


Officer, Please Help

by imabignerd, kate882



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 17:39:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imabignerd/pseuds/imabignerd, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate882/pseuds/kate882
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kuroko's car is bent miserably around a pole, squirrels are declared the spawn of everything evil, and Aomine is not particularly helpful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Officer, Please Help

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: “it’s 2 in the morning and i was just trying to get home but i left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and i drove into a pole – would you please stop laughing you’re a cop. you’re supposed to be helping”

Kuroko didn’t curse often, but he figured that driving into a pole with a squirrel in his car was a good enough excuse to mutter the word “shit” before quickly getting out of his car to avoid the squirrel and pulling out his phone to call the police about the accident. 

It was a matter of one terse call (“I drove into a pole. Please send help.”) and a couple minutes of not-so-patient waiting before a police car finally came flying around the corner. Kuroko winced when the tires screeched in a complaining whine as the car came to a stop in front of him.

A man—looking heavily harassed and bemused—emerged from the car as the sirens’ wail finally died down. He looked around briefly, before catching sight of where Kuroko leaned against the offending pole.

“What happened?” he called, taking wide strides towards Kuroko.

“I left my sunroof open earlier, a squirrel got in, and I crashed my car when it surprised me,” Kuroko explained, not making eye contact. “It’s also still in there, if you can do something about that.” 

A short pause. “I’m sorry,” the officer laughed, incredulous, his face torn in an odd mix of disbelief and amusement, “what?”

“There is a squirrel in my car, and because of it my car hit a pole. Please don’t make me say it again.” Kuroko could feel his face heating up with embarrassment. 

“So uh, to clarify, you crashed your car because there was a squirrel in your vehicle with you?” the other man said, trotting over to peer inside through the cracked windowpane. When he spotted a small bushy tail peeking out from below the seat, he raised his eyebrows. With his eyes narrowed and his hand pressed tight against his mouth in a clearly visible effort to suppress a grin, he managed a barely coherent, “Un-fucking-believable.”

Kuroko did not want to deal with this at two am. Weren’t the police supposed to _help?_ Why was this guy laughing at him? “Can you get it out?” 

“I don’t see why not,” the policeman replied, straightening up to glance at Kuroko with one eyebrow cocked. “Have you, uh, tried opening the door?”

“I did, and it threw itself against the other window instead,” Kuroko replied, narrowing his eyes at the squirrel chilling in his seat, watching them curiously. 

The officer let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like a hastily smothered snort. “Well, let’s give this a try, anyways,” he mumbled, half to himself, as he tugged open the car door. He let out a huff when the squirrel nattered at him, then disappeared under a seat. “How did the thing even get into your ride?”

“I told you. I left the sunroof open by accident,” Kuroko replied. He may have felt a bit smug that the squirrel didn’t leave for the officer either. But that was not a sentiment he would be sharing anytime soon. 

“Right, right,” the other said distractedly, clambering into the car awkwardly to shoot a glare at the animal when it popped its head out to hiss at him. “And that led to you crashing the car... how?”

“How would _you_ react if you were driving at two in the morning and something jumped at you from your seemingly empty car?” Kuroko countered. 

“Attempt to not total the car?” he suggested merrily, before making a hazardous grab at the squirrel. _“C’mere,_ you little fuck—”

“I _was_ attempting to not total the car,” Kuroko muttered. “It just... didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.” 

“Uh huh,” he snickered, shit-eating grin obvious in his tone. He sat up in the backseat of Kuroko’s car and sprawled his long limbs along the side. “Taking a break,” the policeman explained, cocking his head to where the squirrel was now hiding away in the tissue box next to the driver’s seat.

Kuroko arched an eyebrow at him. The officer couldn’t have been in there for longer than five minutes. “Am I going to have to pay for repairs for the pole?” 

The other shrugged noncommittally. “Dunno. You’ll probably have to go to your insurance company or something.” He cooed at the squirrel when it stuck its head out of the box to sniff at the officer’s fingers curiously. “Good luck telling them that it’s this little bugger’s fault.”

“Should you really be putting your hand that close to it? Those things carry diseases,” Kuroko told him with mild concern, peering into the car to look at the squirrel. 

“What’s the worst that could happen?” The officer shot a smug grin back at Kuroko, before turning his attention back to the animal. “Come to papa, you shitter— _FUCK!”_ he yelped, drawing his hand back to his chest, cradling it tenderly. He glared bitterly at the squirrel, who chattered angrily back at him. “Now it’s _on,_ you shitface sad excuse for a squirrel, _I swear—”_

“You should probably see a doctor if it bit you,” Kuroko suggested. 

“Real helpful,” he growled, grabbing the tissue box to attempt to slam it onto the now screeching squirrel as it dashed across the seats. “Oi, help me out here!”

“I’m not sure what you want me to do. I crashed my car over that thing. Clearly I’m not equipped to handle it,” Kuroko replied, taking a step away from the car. 

“I dunno, help me open the doors or windows or something,” he called back, narrowing his eyes at the squirrel that watched him warily from its own spot against the windshield. He lunged suddenly. _“Gotcha, asshole!”_

Kuroko moved further away to make sure the thing didn’t come at him when the officer let it out of the car. 

Once the police officer waved the squirrel off (“Scram, and _good fucking riddance!”_ he’d called furiously after the rodent, as it scampered away into the night) he turned back to Kuroko and brandished his hand. “Look at this!” he whined, showing off the impressive battle scars (see: a few pale white scratches and what looked like a tiny dent where the squirrel had bit him). “You owe me.”

Kuroko arched an eyebrow. “I do _not._ Isn’t this part of the job that you get paid to do?” 

“Evicting the spawn of satan from people’s cars was never written in my job description,” he said petulantly. 

“Doesn’t mean that I owe you anything,” Kuroko replied with a shrug. 

“That’s cold,” the other complained, sighing, as he pulled out a paper pad. In one deft movement, he slid a ballpoint pen out of his shirt pocket and tugged off the cap with his teeth. “Alright, for formality, I’ll need your name, driver’s license, and social security number.” He paused, before trying again. “Are you sure I don’t even get a coffee out of this?”

Kuroko arched an eyebrow. “Are you asking me out,” he glanced at the nametag, “Aomine-kun?” 

“Maybe,” the officer—Aomine, apparently—answered cryptically, twirling his pen between his fingers, “Mister, um—?”

“Kuroko Tetsuya,” he replied, pulling his license and social card out of his wallet and passing them to the officer. “I can’t say I’ve ever been asked out by someone who’s just been attacked by a squirrel. It’s interesting enough, and you’re good-looking enough, to get a yes. When should I meet you for this coffee date?” 

Aomine perked up immediately, his face splitting into a wide grin. “I can’t say I’ve ever asked anyone out after getting attacked by a squirrel, so I’d say we’re even. I’m off at five tomorrow, so let’s do that.” He glanced back at Kuroko’s car, where it sat innocently with its windshield still creaking. “I’ll uh, pick you up, seeing as...”

Kuroko nodded. “That’s probably best. You can take down my address from my license then.” He took the pen from Aomine and neatly wrote his number down. “You can also use that to call me,” he said, handing the pen back. 

The officer—still grinning a wide boyish grin—took the paper in exchange for Kuroko’s cards and pocketed it along with the half-completed form. “I’ve gotta head back to work and all that, but uh,” he started awkwardly jogging backwards to where his own car was waiting, “tomorrow at five-thirty then, yeah?”

Kuroko smiled and nodded. “Yes. I look forward to seeing you, Aomine-kun,” he said as the tow truck pulled over next to his car. 

When he turned back to face the newcomer—though not before spotting Aomine perform an odd elated hop—Kuroko couldn’t shake his own small smile. Given the circumstances, things could’ve been much worse.


End file.
